Fear. Oooooh, that word again. I have a really good answer when anyone asks me what I struggle with. Fear. One word, succinct, and yet when I’m asked to elaborate the answer is anything but that. It’s not as if I walk around quaking in my boots. I might even be able to convince myself that I’m NOT afraid (and have for periods of time), except that any time something in my very tightly clenched fists falls apart, I fall apart. I end up in tears, convinced that this is just one of the cliffs I will collide with during the huge fall off of the tightrope I've been walking my whole adult life. My reaction to this, and my frantic fussing (list-writing, checking, re-checking) the rest of the time are the little windows into the desperate way in which I avoid those moments.
So, what AM I afraid of? That’s the million dollar question. That’s what the next question always is when I share these feelings. That’s when I pause… because it’s not always clear to me. I start to say all kinds of things, like… “Oh, that the kids will get hurt, or I'll disappoint someone, or I’ll get in trouble, or Beau will be mad at me or….” you get the drift. Really, though, that’s not it. I think my deep seated fear is that God will not be trustworthy. I KNOW I’m not. I know that I cannot do everything, and my faith tells me that I should be OK with that, because God IS trustworthy. I don’t have to be, because He is ultimately in control… but I’m pretty sure I don’t believe that. Now, don’t freak out on me, here. I know it’s true. I’m not debating that it’s true, I’m simply saying that when the rubber meets the road it’s apparent that I don’t act on that belief.
I've heard the analogy that faith is what you have when you sit in a chair. You have faith that that structure will hold you. When was the last time you tested your chair before you sat? Unless a chair is obviously broken, you don’t pick up a chair and inspect its construction, test it with a pinky toe, place an object of equal weight on it first… yada yada yada. You just sit. I don’t just sit with God. I’m constantly probing, and frankly, the amount of weight I’m willing to place in His hands is pathetic. [Right now, I’m picturing a huge God and a little me, I've got a big platform over my head with lots of stuff on it, my family, my job, my home, etc. God is helping me hold it up, but I’m only giving him the corner to support. I’m straining under the weight, my knees are shaking, and he’s over there saying, “Hel-OH-oh! Need some help with that?”]
Last week, my sister-in-law, who has been watching my children 5 days a week, came to me, in tears, saying that she was overwhelmed and needed to back off to two days a week. In the scope of things, this was really unsurprising. The woman has 5 children. 4 of them are school aged, but one of them is 1 month older than my infant son, and my daughter could be a full time job in and of herself. It was a lot to bite off! While I completely understood the reasons behind her need to make the change, I was devastated. Beau called me as I was leaving work, warning me that she was going to talk to me about this when I picked up the kids that night. Keeping myself in control through the trip to her house and that conversation was one of the hardest things I've had to do. I didn't want to dissolve into tears and make her feel guilty for being honest with me, and I didn't want the kids to worry because of my emotional state, so I needed to keep myself under control, but I was shaky and teary eyed and hovering on the edge of a breakdown. My Mom called right after I talked to Beau, and I had to tell her I’d call her back because when I started to talk about it, I realized I would lose it if I kept going. I did keep some semblance of control all the way through picking up the kids, and until I got home and Beau prayed with me, at which point I became a slobbering fool. Poor Charis kept giving me hugs and wiping my face with wide eyes.
Thanks to my wonderful parents’ example, and perhaps some understanding of my own helplessness, I do understand that when my feet get knocked out from under me, there is nowhere to turn, but God. So, in my desperation I prayed a lot of “Desperate prayer.” I put that in quotes (for those of you who are not UnionCenterites) because of one of the statements in our church's covenant value of prayer. It reads “God doesn't answer prayer; He answers desperate prayer.” I don’t love the wording on that (Sorry, Pastor John!), but I can connect with its spirit, particularly right now. Almost immediately I was aware how closely the situation lined up with my fear-struggle. This situation was exactly what I fear. I am afraid to be in that kind of vulnerable position, where I need to rely on God to sustain me. Because my mind is clear on the fact that God is trustworthy, and it is my gut that is unconvinced, I am always looking for a way to convince myself. I’m looking for examples, for things that will do the work of moving this belief to a gut level. It occurred to me that since I didn't have a choice about the position I was put in, instead of wallowing in my fear, I could use this to prove to myself His faithfulness. All I had to do was consciously choose to watch for His provision.
Well, long story short, I posted a status on Facebook asking for prayer and suggestions, and within hours several people suggested the same option, which turned out to be the solution I needed. Not only is this a family from our church, but it is someone who does this professionally (and has for 19 years). She comes highly recommended and sets her own rates (a blessing for me because I hate negotiation – a consequence of the need to be both thrifty and considerate). It’s a good situation for all sorts of reasons, and a clear evidence of the provision of the Lord. I'm sure you're not surprised, and honestly, I'm pleased to say that I wasn't either. It must be that I'm making inroads in small ways.
In conclusion, while I can’t say that I’m over my struggle, or that I won’t find myself in a similar situation on another front, I can say this… "All signs point to a God 'Who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.'"(1) Dare I ask Him to provide me with MORE evidence of His faithfulness? [I admit it occurs to me this is one of those prayers I ought to be careful in praying!] Well, I do dare. Lord, please show me your faithfulness. You know I am delicate and fearful, but I decide to trust you to sustain me. “I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!"(2)
1 Ephesians 3:20 NIV
2 Mark 9:22-25 NIV
So, what AM I afraid of? That’s the million dollar question. That’s what the next question always is when I share these feelings. That’s when I pause… because it’s not always clear to me. I start to say all kinds of things, like… “Oh, that the kids will get hurt, or I'll disappoint someone, or I’ll get in trouble, or Beau will be mad at me or….” you get the drift. Really, though, that’s not it. I think my deep seated fear is that God will not be trustworthy. I KNOW I’m not. I know that I cannot do everything, and my faith tells me that I should be OK with that, because God IS trustworthy. I don’t have to be, because He is ultimately in control… but I’m pretty sure I don’t believe that. Now, don’t freak out on me, here. I know it’s true. I’m not debating that it’s true, I’m simply saying that when the rubber meets the road it’s apparent that I don’t act on that belief.
I've heard the analogy that faith is what you have when you sit in a chair. You have faith that that structure will hold you. When was the last time you tested your chair before you sat? Unless a chair is obviously broken, you don’t pick up a chair and inspect its construction, test it with a pinky toe, place an object of equal weight on it first… yada yada yada. You just sit. I don’t just sit with God. I’m constantly probing, and frankly, the amount of weight I’m willing to place in His hands is pathetic. [Right now, I’m picturing a huge God and a little me, I've got a big platform over my head with lots of stuff on it, my family, my job, my home, etc. God is helping me hold it up, but I’m only giving him the corner to support. I’m straining under the weight, my knees are shaking, and he’s over there saying, “Hel-OH-oh! Need some help with that?”]
Last week, my sister-in-law, who has been watching my children 5 days a week, came to me, in tears, saying that she was overwhelmed and needed to back off to two days a week. In the scope of things, this was really unsurprising. The woman has 5 children. 4 of them are school aged, but one of them is 1 month older than my infant son, and my daughter could be a full time job in and of herself. It was a lot to bite off! While I completely understood the reasons behind her need to make the change, I was devastated. Beau called me as I was leaving work, warning me that she was going to talk to me about this when I picked up the kids that night. Keeping myself in control through the trip to her house and that conversation was one of the hardest things I've had to do. I didn't want to dissolve into tears and make her feel guilty for being honest with me, and I didn't want the kids to worry because of my emotional state, so I needed to keep myself under control, but I was shaky and teary eyed and hovering on the edge of a breakdown. My Mom called right after I talked to Beau, and I had to tell her I’d call her back because when I started to talk about it, I realized I would lose it if I kept going. I did keep some semblance of control all the way through picking up the kids, and until I got home and Beau prayed with me, at which point I became a slobbering fool. Poor Charis kept giving me hugs and wiping my face with wide eyes.
Thanks to my wonderful parents’ example, and perhaps some understanding of my own helplessness, I do understand that when my feet get knocked out from under me, there is nowhere to turn, but God. So, in my desperation I prayed a lot of “Desperate prayer.” I put that in quotes (for those of you who are not UnionCenterites) because of one of the statements in our church's covenant value of prayer. It reads “God doesn't answer prayer; He answers desperate prayer.” I don’t love the wording on that (Sorry, Pastor John!), but I can connect with its spirit, particularly right now. Almost immediately I was aware how closely the situation lined up with my fear-struggle. This situation was exactly what I fear. I am afraid to be in that kind of vulnerable position, where I need to rely on God to sustain me. Because my mind is clear on the fact that God is trustworthy, and it is my gut that is unconvinced, I am always looking for a way to convince myself. I’m looking for examples, for things that will do the work of moving this belief to a gut level. It occurred to me that since I didn't have a choice about the position I was put in, instead of wallowing in my fear, I could use this to prove to myself His faithfulness. All I had to do was consciously choose to watch for His provision.
Well, long story short, I posted a status on Facebook asking for prayer and suggestions, and within hours several people suggested the same option, which turned out to be the solution I needed. Not only is this a family from our church, but it is someone who does this professionally (and has for 19 years). She comes highly recommended and sets her own rates (a blessing for me because I hate negotiation – a consequence of the need to be both thrifty and considerate). It’s a good situation for all sorts of reasons, and a clear evidence of the provision of the Lord. I'm sure you're not surprised, and honestly, I'm pleased to say that I wasn't either. It must be that I'm making inroads in small ways.
In conclusion, while I can’t say that I’m over my struggle, or that I won’t find myself in a similar situation on another front, I can say this… "All signs point to a God 'Who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.'"(1) Dare I ask Him to provide me with MORE evidence of His faithfulness? [I admit it occurs to me this is one of those prayers I ought to be careful in praying!] Well, I do dare. Lord, please show me your faithfulness. You know I am delicate and fearful, but I decide to trust you to sustain me. “I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!"(2)
1 Ephesians 3:20 NIV
2 Mark 9:22-25 NIV
Comments
Thanks for this post. I love that you wrote it out because we forget these stories so quickly and we really, really need to remember them. (also, your kids will love the story when they are older - especially the part where Charis comforts you):)
I'm excited to hear how God answers your prayer about His faithfulness. It'll be good, no doubt!