It turns out I'm very sad. I'm a little ashamed, and I'm seriously afraid.
Why all of these things? Why do I feel all of these ways, when I live, what I consider to be extremely idyllic life? It's because I'm a working mom.
Wow, writing that... it sounds so jarring, so unpoetic. Something that has the ability to carry such weight in my heart ought to have a more weighty sound. I kept reading it over and over again, trying to find a way to write it that reads like it feels. There's no way to write that or say it that will contain the weight of emotion that it creates in me...
I desperately want to be home with my baby girl. I grew up planning to be a full time mom. I can remember having conversations in which I sagely described the selfishness of people who did not make the decision to stay home with their children full time. I thought them at best, deluded, and at worst, uncaring.
Now, I'm here... I'm a mother, and I'm working full time. I spend 8-10 hours a day doing something that is SO much less important than raising my beautiful daughter.
I've realized today (and perhaps earlier if I'd let myself finish an emotional thought...) that I'm so terrified to examine my feelings about it that I've sliced the mind/heart connection that is so essential to a growing spiritual life. In doing so, I've allowed some things to fester that need to come into the light.
You, dear reader, are about to be the light to shine on my fears. I figure that as I write them here, and pray through them, they will lose some measure of power over me. It's my first step in turning them over to a truly capable God.
I'm afraid:
That there is some part of me that is making this choice just for selfish reasons
That I will never forgive myself for missing this much of my daughter's life.
That my daughter will grow up more like her aunt and grandmother than me.
That I'll miss her first steps and words and her cutest moments
That I'll be judged by other women who think they know my situation
That those same women will truly know my situation and still judge me
That I will be unable to pass along to my daughter everything I want her to know in the time I have with her.
Finally, I found myself wondering, as I was journaling, whether God would leave me in this place so that I'd cling to him for support.. I wanted to cry out, "Lord, I'll cling, I'll cling, even so!" and yet, I am not clinging now. How can I say that? But, to think that is painful. To think that my God would allow something like this to teach me a lesson seems crass.
So, there you have it. That is what keeps me awake at night... that's what makes me tear up when I hear "focus on the family" come on the radio during my lunch break because I'm afraid they will, again, emphasize the importance of a mother who stays home with her children and I will, again, feel like I've failed my daughter.
I wrote my very first blog-like entry on the guilt that comes with motherhood, and how I was not going to participate in it. Well, here I am, bearing a "mother-load." Guilt, shame, they are not helpful here. What I need to do, what I'm determined to do is to open my heart up to my heavenly Father, and to allow him to shine His light on those sore places. How amazing, that my Lord will not look away, no matter how dirty the corners... that even if He finds - and of course He will - things truly worthy of shame, He will not be surprised, or repulsed, and he will not judge me.
Tears run down my face right now as I remember that instead of judging me, as He alone is purely right to do, Jesus WAS judged in my place.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
Praise Him all creatures here below!
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host!
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost!
Amen.
Why all of these things? Why do I feel all of these ways, when I live, what I consider to be extremely idyllic life? It's because I'm a working mom.
Wow, writing that... it sounds so jarring, so unpoetic. Something that has the ability to carry such weight in my heart ought to have a more weighty sound. I kept reading it over and over again, trying to find a way to write it that reads like it feels. There's no way to write that or say it that will contain the weight of emotion that it creates in me...
I desperately want to be home with my baby girl. I grew up planning to be a full time mom. I can remember having conversations in which I sagely described the selfishness of people who did not make the decision to stay home with their children full time. I thought them at best, deluded, and at worst, uncaring.
Now, I'm here... I'm a mother, and I'm working full time. I spend 8-10 hours a day doing something that is SO much less important than raising my beautiful daughter.
I've realized today (and perhaps earlier if I'd let myself finish an emotional thought...) that I'm so terrified to examine my feelings about it that I've sliced the mind/heart connection that is so essential to a growing spiritual life. In doing so, I've allowed some things to fester that need to come into the light.
You, dear reader, are about to be the light to shine on my fears. I figure that as I write them here, and pray through them, they will lose some measure of power over me. It's my first step in turning them over to a truly capable God.
I'm afraid:
That there is some part of me that is making this choice just for selfish reasons
That I will never forgive myself for missing this much of my daughter's life.
That my daughter will grow up more like her aunt and grandmother than me.
That I'll miss her first steps and words and her cutest moments
That I'll be judged by other women who think they know my situation
That those same women will truly know my situation and still judge me
That I will be unable to pass along to my daughter everything I want her to know in the time I have with her.
Finally, I found myself wondering, as I was journaling, whether God would leave me in this place so that I'd cling to him for support.. I wanted to cry out, "Lord, I'll cling, I'll cling, even so!" and yet, I am not clinging now. How can I say that? But, to think that is painful. To think that my God would allow something like this to teach me a lesson seems crass.
So, there you have it. That is what keeps me awake at night... that's what makes me tear up when I hear "focus on the family" come on the radio during my lunch break because I'm afraid they will, again, emphasize the importance of a mother who stays home with her children and I will, again, feel like I've failed my daughter.
I wrote my very first blog-like entry on the guilt that comes with motherhood, and how I was not going to participate in it. Well, here I am, bearing a "mother-load." Guilt, shame, they are not helpful here. What I need to do, what I'm determined to do is to open my heart up to my heavenly Father, and to allow him to shine His light on those sore places. How amazing, that my Lord will not look away, no matter how dirty the corners... that even if He finds - and of course He will - things truly worthy of shame, He will not be surprised, or repulsed, and he will not judge me.
Tears run down my face right now as I remember that instead of judging me, as He alone is purely right to do, Jesus WAS judged in my place.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
Praise Him all creatures here below!
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host!
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost!
Amen.
Comments
Love, M. Smith
it's only then we can have any peace or, even, creative solutions to the circumstances that are bugging us. i will pray that if there are any creative solutions to your job situation, God will make them known to you and you and Beau will have ears to hear. and, if not, that you will walk in peace and quiet confidence.
i wish i had some kind of momma advice, but i really don't. pretty much the only thing i feel certain about is that the very best thing you can give Charis is a longtime view of a woman who is not afraid to live in God's truth. she will catch that.
hope this isn't too much of a ramble, and thank you for posting!