Stan Shaw died on Saturday morning.
I talked to Stan on Friday afternoon. He called to give me updates on the projects he was working and to answer some questions I’d emailed to him. He asked me how I like my new job and told me he was sure I’d do a great job at it. He wished me a good weekend and we said goodbye. The next day he died.
I didn’t know Stan very well, and in fact, until more recently, he wasn’t always the most pleasant person to deal with. Now, he’s dead. I’m struggling this morning with how to feel. I don’t know if Stan knew Jesus. If I’m honest with myself, I suspect he did not. I might hope that his more pleasant demeanor of late came because he’d met the savior, but I have no indication that’s true.
So, now I have a picture in my head of Stan in a place of eternal torment, and I realize that I may bear some responsibility for that. I’m well aware that nothing good comes from blame and guilt, but what is necessary is some serious evaluation. It never occurred to me to share my faith with Stan. It never even crossed my mind until now, when it is very definitely too late. Why didn’t it cross my mind? Am I afraid of talking about my faith? Yes. That’s an easy one. I absolutely am. I have come up with this very comfortable philosophy of witnessing. I feel responsible to live consistent with my faith and be willing to answer questions. CHECK. I’ve got that down. But, Stan didn’t ask questions. People rarely do. I’m not saying that that is not a good way to witness to someone, but it seems to me, in the face of my fears, that it is also awfully convenient. If I’d shared my faith and made Stan uncomfortable or angry, would I be regretting it now? I think not.
So, this is all good and well. I have asked some tough questions of myself, but I think I owe it to Stan not to let it stop at that. Too often, that’s the salve to my conscience… thinking about tough questions, leaving open ended thoughts, never coming to conclusions that require action. What if another co-worker dies tomorrow? Will this blog have made a difference in their life? How do I do this? I’m so afraid, I’m so inept, I’m so very faithless when it comes to telling others about this God-man that I worship.
I’ve done this before, this struggle, this debate with myself, and as I said, I let the fact that it matters to me be enough, I let myself off of the hook without actually changing anything. I don’t want to be satisfied with that anymore. I need to do something differently. I am going to start by inviting my coworkers to the Good Friday presentation that I’m helping to assemble at church. Hopefully the church will produce invitations, but if not, I can produce my own. It’s not the answer, but it’s a start.
Beyond that… Jesus, I beg You to make me bold. You know so well my inadequacies. You know that I get tongue tied and that I feel embarrassed of something I am NOT ashamed of. You know that I fear alienating someone and that I often assume that the other person will be offended or feel awkward, sometimes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You know that I am really good at rationalizing things so that I don’t have to share my faith in You. Please teach me to trust You. Help me to feel confident in Your ability to use me and in Your desire to reach these people whom I interact with. Help me to remember that what You are is a loving God who is SO worthy of their love, no matter what they believe, and that knowing You is the absolute best for them.
Amen
I talked to Stan on Friday afternoon. He called to give me updates on the projects he was working and to answer some questions I’d emailed to him. He asked me how I like my new job and told me he was sure I’d do a great job at it. He wished me a good weekend and we said goodbye. The next day he died.
I didn’t know Stan very well, and in fact, until more recently, he wasn’t always the most pleasant person to deal with. Now, he’s dead. I’m struggling this morning with how to feel. I don’t know if Stan knew Jesus. If I’m honest with myself, I suspect he did not. I might hope that his more pleasant demeanor of late came because he’d met the savior, but I have no indication that’s true.
So, now I have a picture in my head of Stan in a place of eternal torment, and I realize that I may bear some responsibility for that. I’m well aware that nothing good comes from blame and guilt, but what is necessary is some serious evaluation. It never occurred to me to share my faith with Stan. It never even crossed my mind until now, when it is very definitely too late. Why didn’t it cross my mind? Am I afraid of talking about my faith? Yes. That’s an easy one. I absolutely am. I have come up with this very comfortable philosophy of witnessing. I feel responsible to live consistent with my faith and be willing to answer questions. CHECK. I’ve got that down. But, Stan didn’t ask questions. People rarely do. I’m not saying that that is not a good way to witness to someone, but it seems to me, in the face of my fears, that it is also awfully convenient. If I’d shared my faith and made Stan uncomfortable or angry, would I be regretting it now? I think not.
So, this is all good and well. I have asked some tough questions of myself, but I think I owe it to Stan not to let it stop at that. Too often, that’s the salve to my conscience… thinking about tough questions, leaving open ended thoughts, never coming to conclusions that require action. What if another co-worker dies tomorrow? Will this blog have made a difference in their life? How do I do this? I’m so afraid, I’m so inept, I’m so very faithless when it comes to telling others about this God-man that I worship.
I’ve done this before, this struggle, this debate with myself, and as I said, I let the fact that it matters to me be enough, I let myself off of the hook without actually changing anything. I don’t want to be satisfied with that anymore. I need to do something differently. I am going to start by inviting my coworkers to the Good Friday presentation that I’m helping to assemble at church. Hopefully the church will produce invitations, but if not, I can produce my own. It’s not the answer, but it’s a start.
Beyond that… Jesus, I beg You to make me bold. You know so well my inadequacies. You know that I get tongue tied and that I feel embarrassed of something I am NOT ashamed of. You know that I fear alienating someone and that I often assume that the other person will be offended or feel awkward, sometimes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You know that I am really good at rationalizing things so that I don’t have to share my faith in You. Please teach me to trust You. Help me to feel confident in Your ability to use me and in Your desire to reach these people whom I interact with. Help me to remember that what You are is a loving God who is SO worthy of their love, no matter what they believe, and that knowing You is the absolute best for them.
Amen
Comments
i can relate to this statement. it's a great insight and i will pray for you as i'm reminded of you that you will know the next steps to take in this conviction. just obeying the next step God gives you seems to be the wisest way to follow Christ. i love that you feel he has given you the next step and i'll do my darndest to help you by getting some invitations for Good Friday! if not, i know that your personal invite would be the most meaningful (i think it's always easier to have a piece of paper, too!)
blessings to you...