This is the note which I posted on facebook a while ago that made me think I might enjoy blogging:
My daughter, Charis is almost 11 weeks old, and my husband and I are still coming to terms with the fact that we have been tasked with helping this new person learn to live in the world in which she was born. What a task! I am proud to say that while I had no idea what it would be like to have a child, I KNEW I had no idea what it would be like. Things I did know: I knew that I would sometimes be afraid, that I would have moments where I wanted to tear my hair out. I knew I would be emotional after she was born. I knew that there would be moments where I was amazed, overcome by joy, immensely thankful. I knew how to change a diaper, how to mix a bottle, how to rock a baby to sleep, what things to try when she cries. I knew that going back to work was likely to be one of the hardest things I've ever done.Things I did not know: That I would be one of those women who took a while to fall in love with her child. That I would cry more than my child some days. I did not know that I would sometimes feel truly resentful to watch my husband use the bathroom without finding a way to keep the baby happy while he does it even though I realize it's irrational. That while going back to work would, indeed, be one of the hardest things I'd ever done, that there were some days I would yearn for it, and feel very guilty about that. That even though it is not nice, the day I'd pick her up from my sister-in-law to hear she's cried all day and watch her fall asleep immediately in my arms would be one of my favorite memories. Of course, that's just a VERY short list of the things I did not know. Basically, being a parent is a constant learning experience, and you just hope and pray (a lot) that you are up to the task at any given moment. That's why one of the most important things I have learned is about guilt. Parents feel a lot of guilt when they have children. Mom's are particularly susceptible because they tend to carry more child-rearing tasks. They have it put on them, they put it on themselves, and they put it on other moms. There are SOOOO many rules for babies, and children. There is a right way to do everything, and even when there is not, you have a friend who thinks there is. Because of this, I've made a decision. Unless my friend is doing something that constitutes child abuse, or puts her kid in real danger, I’m keeping my guilt to myself. I believe, for example, that breast feeding is best. It is good for baby, good for Mom, and just over-all great, once you get going (that's a big caveat, by the way). BUT, I will never lecture a friend about not doing it. Not once. I remember dissolving into a pile of tears on the nursery floor and praying that no one would notice how long I'd been upstairs and come check on me because I was such a mess. I felt like a failure. Even though I knew it was irrational, at that moment I felt like the worst Mom in history because I had to feed my newborn formula and I was sure my milk would dry up and it was all over. When my Mom did come up to find me, I tried SO hard to pretend I hadn’t been crying because for some reason, hearing her tell me it would all be fine made me feel worse… like I’d failed for needing encouragement. Breastfeeding is only ONE of the issues that get people all riled up. People have very strong opinions about whether you can let your baby cry or whether you can sleep in the same bed with them, or whether you can use regular detergent to wash the baby's clothes among many other things. I actually received a mini-lecture about the fact that I planned to (and now DO) eat deli meat while breast feeding. Apparently, the lack of nutritional value alone should have disqualified that! I'm not sure when deli meat became the enemy, but I was apparently out of school that day. I have not really reached this phase yet, but they tell me that when your kid starts hitting milestones you’re likely to have a lot of comparing going on… “Well, My Jimmy started rolling over at 2 days old!!” So, apparently, there is more guilt to come. In summary, I stand today for all the moms out there who are not raising their children perfectly. I’m not going to say that I’ll agree with every decision you make in rearing your child, and I suspect that you will not agree with all of mine, but I promise not to ever try to make you feel guilty about the choices you do make (or the speed of your child’s development or anything else I have yet to imagine) and I hope you’ll do the same for me.
My daughter, Charis is almost 11 weeks old, and my husband and I are still coming to terms with the fact that we have been tasked with helping this new person learn to live in the world in which she was born. What a task! I am proud to say that while I had no idea what it would be like to have a child, I KNEW I had no idea what it would be like. Things I did know: I knew that I would sometimes be afraid, that I would have moments where I wanted to tear my hair out. I knew I would be emotional after she was born. I knew that there would be moments where I was amazed, overcome by joy, immensely thankful. I knew how to change a diaper, how to mix a bottle, how to rock a baby to sleep, what things to try when she cries. I knew that going back to work was likely to be one of the hardest things I've ever done.Things I did not know: That I would be one of those women who took a while to fall in love with her child. That I would cry more than my child some days. I did not know that I would sometimes feel truly resentful to watch my husband use the bathroom without finding a way to keep the baby happy while he does it even though I realize it's irrational. That while going back to work would, indeed, be one of the hardest things I'd ever done, that there were some days I would yearn for it, and feel very guilty about that. That even though it is not nice, the day I'd pick her up from my sister-in-law to hear she's cried all day and watch her fall asleep immediately in my arms would be one of my favorite memories. Of course, that's just a VERY short list of the things I did not know. Basically, being a parent is a constant learning experience, and you just hope and pray (a lot) that you are up to the task at any given moment. That's why one of the most important things I have learned is about guilt. Parents feel a lot of guilt when they have children. Mom's are particularly susceptible because they tend to carry more child-rearing tasks. They have it put on them, they put it on themselves, and they put it on other moms. There are SOOOO many rules for babies, and children. There is a right way to do everything, and even when there is not, you have a friend who thinks there is. Because of this, I've made a decision. Unless my friend is doing something that constitutes child abuse, or puts her kid in real danger, I’m keeping my guilt to myself. I believe, for example, that breast feeding is best. It is good for baby, good for Mom, and just over-all great, once you get going (that's a big caveat, by the way). BUT, I will never lecture a friend about not doing it. Not once. I remember dissolving into a pile of tears on the nursery floor and praying that no one would notice how long I'd been upstairs and come check on me because I was such a mess. I felt like a failure. Even though I knew it was irrational, at that moment I felt like the worst Mom in history because I had to feed my newborn formula and I was sure my milk would dry up and it was all over. When my Mom did come up to find me, I tried SO hard to pretend I hadn’t been crying because for some reason, hearing her tell me it would all be fine made me feel worse… like I’d failed for needing encouragement. Breastfeeding is only ONE of the issues that get people all riled up. People have very strong opinions about whether you can let your baby cry or whether you can sleep in the same bed with them, or whether you can use regular detergent to wash the baby's clothes among many other things. I actually received a mini-lecture about the fact that I planned to (and now DO) eat deli meat while breast feeding. Apparently, the lack of nutritional value alone should have disqualified that! I'm not sure when deli meat became the enemy, but I was apparently out of school that day. I have not really reached this phase yet, but they tell me that when your kid starts hitting milestones you’re likely to have a lot of comparing going on… “Well, My Jimmy started rolling over at 2 days old!!” So, apparently, there is more guilt to come. In summary, I stand today for all the moms out there who are not raising their children perfectly. I’m not going to say that I’ll agree with every decision you make in rearing your child, and I suspect that you will not agree with all of mine, but I promise not to ever try to make you feel guilty about the choices you do make (or the speed of your child’s development or anything else I have yet to imagine) and I hope you’ll do the same for me.
Comments